brand new day

I struggle with depression.  To the point that two years ago I was hospitalized three times in the span of six months, each admission lasting 10-14 days.  That was when my depression was untreated and at its worst.  It was so debilitating that I had to take a year off of work just to get my feet grounded and start functioning again. Two years later, I have come so far, but I'm still learning how to live with this.  At this time in my journey I have to be intentional about staying present in the moment, disciplining my thoughts, and making healthy mental and spiritual choices - each and every day. One of the hardest things about depression is trying to reach through that thick cloud of despair to find my strongest self and summon her forth.  If even a tiny piece of her had a voice, this is what she would've said to you.  This is how she would have asked for help.  To my tribe that has endlessly stood by my side through it all, thank you for listening...

Sometimes people hear my story and they ask, "How can you not be mad?" Well, I think I was angry, for a long time.  For at least a couple of years.  But I didn't know how to feel it, much less express it.  I was terrified of it at first, terrified that it would take over my rational reasoning and lead to impulsivity - not something I deal with very well.  I was terrified that the person with whom I was angry would return my anger with even more anger and rejection.  And I was terrified that if I opened up a box of anger, a volcanic eruption of anger would spew forth, and for me, anger is such an disconcerting feeling.  I feel myself becoming increasingly negative and inevitably it spills out sideways. And when I finally realized that this unsettling feeling that had been plaguing me for so long was anger, I was so angry.  So unbelievably angry.  And I could feel it needing to be released, it was if it was at my fingertips, just aching to be le...

Six years ago, I was in a completely different time and space.  I had risen from a difficult divorce and found myself stronger than I ever knew possible.  I was full of courage and defiance.  I refused to let those wounds break me, it was never an option.  Only rise and conquer.  And I did.  I was confident and bold.  I lead my kids through some dark days with sheer determination that they would not be victim to the choices their father and I had made.  I was physically fit, running regularly and doing tae kwon do once or twice a week.  I was comfortable being me and I loved the life I had created for myself.  I had transformed tragedy into true victory. But these past two years I have found myself in a different frame of mind.  I have been broken, completely broken, a brokenness I have never experienced before.  And I've spent the last two years wishing I could resurrect that woman from before.  I lost her, and I have s...