brand new day

Last week, the kids and I went up north to visit our old stomping grounds.  I hadn't been back since we moved two summers ago, and if I had stopped to think about it, I may have been worried about going back to a place that held such painful memories.  But, that didn't happen.  When we first started the four hour car ride, the kids were very quiet and I could feel their mixed emotions.  But as we got further north and started reminiscing, they started to relax.  By the time we got up north, the kids were so excited to be back in their old home town.  The nostalgia was thick and sweet in the air as we visited all our favorite spots and all the memories seemed to make everything so much richer.  We had a really great time. As I reflected on how the kids worked through their anxiety I found myself thinking, I think we're going to be okay.  And then I realized, I think we are okay...  Sometimes I'm almost afraid to speak it aloud.  As if it's so fragile or elusive,

I started this blog the last week of February and since then I've had over 10,000 pageviews.  That's really incredible to me.  Thank you to everyone who reads these posts.  It's my heart and soul that's put out there in these posts and the response has been overwhelming.  So many friends have commented or sent encouraging messages and I feel so supported and heard.  So thank you again for reading and checking in with me... if you keep reading, I'll keep posting! I'm testing for my yellow belt in Tae Kwon Do this weekend and I have to yell (kiap) at the appropriate times during the testing process.  Yeah, not so much.  I'm very quiet and I have spent my entire life trying to go unnoticed.  I'm not sure where kiap-ing fits into that picture. I've been working on it for the past couple of months, I really have.  I've never been pressured to kiap, but the instructors have been very encouraging (and patient!).  They have explained the rationale an

A friend talked me into running a 10K this September.  I don't really like running long distances - it's hard, and it hurts.  So when I first thought about it, I set my goal to just finish the race.  Then I started running and realized that's a ridiculous goal - of course I can finish, I just have to put my mind to it.  So I made a new goal to run the best I can and to run strong; not necessarily fast, but strong.  So I started training to try and build up my endurance.  I figure if I can work up to running for 70 minutes or so, I'll be more than fine.  I'm at about 40 minutes right now... I'll get there.  When I'm running (and even when I'm not running) I have this concept of Endurance rolling around my brain, and it has started evolving and has become redefined in my mind. To me, endurance has always been interchangeable with suffering.  It's something I would say with an eye roll and a sigh, "Ugh.  You would not believe the day I've had

When everything started falling apart two years ago, they promised me that one day I would be able to look back on this experience and have an attitude of gratitude.  I think it was meant to inspire hope, but at the time, I think my flame of hope was smothered by a blanket of cynicism.  I can be pretty transparent and I'm sure the skepticism was oozing out of me as they talked about the process and where gratitude fit into the picture. But wouldn't you know it... They were right. It seems the longer I'm on this journey, and the more storms I weather, the more I recognize the gratitude.  The lessons learned and insights gained have made this life so much richer. My kids came home from their vacation with their dad and in an instant there were flip flops everywhere, toys strewn about, and an endless stream of requests for snacks, gum, music, and help with this, that, and the other.  And I found myself immersed in my role as a mother once again, and I was so gratefu

We have this saying in our house, "easy-peasy lemon squeezy" and it seems to be the theme of this summer.   I love these lazy summer days.  I love the ease of it all... staying up late, sleeping in, eating popsicles outside, trips to the pool, wearing flip flops every day... I like this relaxed pace.  It's nice not having our days scheduled from breakfast to bed.   It's such a welcome respite form the intentionality and purpose that seems to rule so much of life throughout the year. The kids have been on vacation with their dad this past week and I really dreaded their absence.  Honestly, I was in a pretty foul mood the week before they left.  I tried to put a positive spin on it and plan some fun things to fill the days, but my heart wasn't into it.  I've never really been one to distract myself with busyness.  So, with the help of my friends and family, I faced the week head on. And it wasn't that horrible.  What I found was that I missed my kids

In the past 24 hours all three of my kids have come to me and crawled on my lap for a hug.  We do hugs all the time, but these were different ones.  These were the kind that communicated some sort of need that they couldn't put words to.  Sometimes you just need a place to rest for a while; I know that feeling.  As they came to me, each of them in their own moment of need, they would hook their chin over my shoulder, drape their arms around my shoulders, and bury their heads in the crook of my neck.  And I could feel the weight of their worries, fears, sadness.. whatever it was, in the heaviness of their little bodies against my chest as they started to release it, relax, and finally sank into it. There's a lot of change going on in their lives and it's a lot to handle.  Or sometimes it just sucks having a little sister and a big brother and feeling like you don't fit in.  Or maybe it's hard being the only boy in the house with three other girls.  Or it could just