Parenting Hats

Parenting is hard. All kinds of parenting: stay-at-home, working, single, step, co-parenting, no matter how you spin it, parenting is hard. When I started this journey, I never thought I would become a single parent. I've learned a lot along the way.  

1. Single parenting is lonely. Sometimes it feels like it's me and my kids against the world.  I have a wonderful village raising my kids with me, but sometimes, I still feel alone. When I feel that way, I reach out to other single moms. Sometimes we acknowledge each other's struggles and sympathize in solidarity, and other times we bolster one another up. Either way, it's a good way to feel less alone.

2. It is what it is. It may sound flippant or dismissive, but it's not. It's the key to acceptance. Self-imposed guilt is 90% of what has made single parenting so hard for me. I so wanted my kids to grow up with that perfect family experience. Divorce left me with this feeling of indebtedness to my kids for taking that away from them. That led to an insatiable need to assuage my guilt and "make it right".  There is no making it right, and it's futile to try. Mourn the loss and then lay it to rest.  

3. Wisdom and hindsight are born from experience. Clarity often comes once the dust has settled, not in the chaos of the storm. All the "I should've knowns" and "If only I would haves" are unfair expectations of our past selves. Perhaps we could have made different choices that would have led us down a different path, and maybe that path would have sidestepped some significant land mines. Maybe, or maybe we would have missed out on some invaluable lessons. Give yourself grace and trust that in those moments, you were doing your best with the skills that you had at the time.  

4. Two households mean two routines, two sets of rules, two different traditions. It's really hard when that other household does things differently.  The real trick is not comparing the two. To be gut-wrenchingly transparent, oftentimes my outward criticism stems from my own insecurity that maybe, they're doing it better over there - whatever "it" is; or the arrogance that I'm the one doing it better. But different doesn't equate to better or worse. Let different be different, and nothing more. 

5.  As Elsa would say, let it go. We all have limits. We can't do the job of two people because we're only one person. Some things just have to be let go. It's like picking your battles, except this time, it's picking your victories. Find those things that you can do, the things you do have time for, and choose to do them well. Consolidate your time and energy and devote them to what you can do. Trust me, spreading yourself thin is not sustainable.

6. Ask for help. Just do it. It's not weak. You are not burdening others. We should rename single parenting and call it village parenting instead. Those who love you want to help because it hurts their hearts to see you struggle.

7. Don't forget about the many rewards. Amidst the struggles, embrace the wins: the goodnight hugs and kisses, the laughter around the table, the tears you wipe away, the late-night conversations when they confide in you, the random just-because hugs, and those moments when you are the only person in the world who knows exactly what they need. 

At the end of the day, I ask myself: Do my kids feel loved and supported? If the answer is yes, pass me any parenting hat you want. They're all a perfect fit.