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Endurance

A friend talked me into running a 10K this September.  I don't really like running long distances - it's hard, and it hurts.  So when I first thought about it, I set my goal to just finish the race.  Then I started running and realized that's a ridiculous goal - of course I can finish, I just have to put my mind to it.  So I made a new goal to run the best I can and to run strong; not necessarily fast, but strong.  So I started training to try and build up my endurance.  I figure if I can work up to running for 70 minutes or so, I'll be more than fine.  I'm at about 40 minutes right now... I'll get there.  When I'm running (and even when I'm not running) I have this concept of Endurance rolling around my brain, and it has started evolving and has become redefined in my mind.

To me, endurance has always been interchangeable with suffering.  It's something I would say with an eye roll and a sigh, "Ugh.  You would not believe the day I've had to endure." or "I just had to endure a three hour inservice on introducing myself to my patients. (true story, by the way...)"  Enduring was always reserved for the dreaded and mundane; the mindless and obligatory.  It was used for those things that you just had to suffer through, often without purpose or meaning or joy.  Just get 'er done so we can move on to things that really matter.

But the more I've thought about endurance, and the more I've focused on it for this race, the more I see it in a different light.  Enduring is what I've done for the past two years - and it has not been mindless, or without purpose, or meaningless.  It's actually been one of the most courageous things I've ever done.  It's been a true test of strength and resilience.

And while there has been suffering along the way, I don't know that I would use it synonymously with enduring.  To me, suffering implies victimization, and I don't think there's anything victimizing about enduring.  Enduring is filled with perseverance and a mental toughness.  It's a choice, not to suffer through - but to see it through; to trust that if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other I'll come out on the other side no worse for the wear.

Maybe the transforming piece that turns suffering into endurance is surrender and acceptance.  Those parts of the journey that I really suffered through, I was fighting hard against everything that was happening.  And with good reason, it felt as if all that I held dear was being ripped from my grasp.  I think suffering has it's own place and purpose in our lives.  But there came a point when fighting and suffering became futile.  And I felt I was at a crossroads of some sort; surrender and accept, or ignore and deny.  I traveled the latter for 15 years and it turns out that road doesn't lead to anywhere I want to be.  

So the choice to Endure; to look at life and embrace the disappointment and mistakes, brave the unknown, and endure each step of the way.  No more running, no more hiding, no more cowering... and no theatrical heroics, no martyr-like sacrifices, no false bravado...  Instead, Endure; one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, one step at a time.  And that is a choice that is filled with intentionality, purpose, courage... and unexpectedly, sometimes joy.

I know this connection I have built in my mind between my journey and endurance has really added some personal meaning to this race.  This idea of building up my endurance to run a 10K somehow transforms my story into something tangible and qualitative - something I can see and do in a very measurable way.

So it's off to the races this September... can't wait to cross that finish line.









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