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Finding My Voice

I started this blog the last week of February and since then I've had over 10,000 pageviews.  That's really incredible to me.  Thank you to everyone who reads these posts.  It's my heart and soul that's put out there in these posts and the response has been overwhelming.  So many friends have commented or sent encouraging messages and I feel so supported and heard.  So thank you again for reading and checking in with me... if you keep reading, I'll keep posting!


I'm testing for my yellow belt in Tae Kwon Do this weekend and I have to yell (kiap) at the appropriate times during the testing process.  Yeah, not so much.  I'm very quiet and I have spent my entire life trying to go unnoticed.  I'm not sure where kiap-ing fits into that picture.

I've been working on it for the past couple of months, I really have.  I've never been pressured to kiap, but the instructors have been very encouraging (and patient!).  They have explained the rationale and reason and I get it, I even believe it... I just can't do it.  I can feel it in the back of my throat, I just can't get it up and out.  I'm pretty sure my lips literally clamp down in protest whenever I have to kiap.

A couple weeks ago one of the instructors was explaining the need to kiap, yet again, to me and at the end of her explanation she said, "I get it.  It took me a while to find my voice too."  It was as if the clouds parted in that moment.  She had articulated in those three words what I had been struggling to understand.  That's what this journey has been about - Finding My Voice.  That's why kiap-ing is so difficult for me; it's not just because I'm shy and quiet - it's more than that.  I'm still finding my voice.

Whether it's been by others, or myself, or fear of judgement or rejection, I've been silenced most of my life.  I've just never spoken my truth, in part because I didn't know how to listen to my own inner truths.  And that lead to the deepest betrayal of myself, which was far worse than any other betrayal I experienced.  What a hard lesson to learn.

I think that's why I started blogging in the first place.  I remember thinking I have things to say and a story to tell - but not knowing how to speak it.  I set up this account in January and it took me a month and a half to get the courage to post something.  But once I did, the stories seemed to just pour out of me.  It's a start...

It would be great to end this post by saying I have a really strong, from the gut, energy flowing kiap that exudes strength and confidence.  But again - yeah, not so much.  I have a teeny, tiny, barely audible kiap - just enough to say I've done it - and it still feels so awkward and uncomfortable.  But, it's a start, and it'll do... for now.  

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