Online Dating

Against my better judgment, I’ve delved into the world of online dating this year.  It’s been, ummm, strange, interesting, befuddling, eye-opening?  You pick, they all apply.  For the most part, you follow a scripted ritual.  Create a profile, browse other profiles, swipe right and "like" someone, match, message them, chat on the app, graduate to texting, maybe a phone call or video chat, until finally  - you meet in person.  I've learned a lot in the short time I have been online, so let me share my wisdom with you.  (Just a quick caveat; if you are in your mid-40's, do not take online dating advice from 20-something year olds.  That's how my whole adventure started, and trust me, our online experiences are vastly different.  Just sayin'.)

Let's start with The Profile.  Apparently there is a science to profile making and marketing yourself to the masses.  But I would advise, do not follow the prompts to make yourself more visible and get more likes.  They are, for lack of a better word, stupid.  How does answering "beach or mountain" increase your likability?  It's a 50/50 chance that someone is going to choose the same answer as you.  Or Netflix or night out?  Same 50/50 chance.  Of course there's always the uncommitted,  "Both!" throwing off the odds.  Or you can answer a prompt like, "My third grade teacher would describe me as...", who cares?  Haven't we evolved since third grade?  The problem is, with everyone answering the same  unimaginative, shallow questions, we all just seem like subtle variations of one another.  Is that really an indication of compatibility?  Dare to be different and just be yourself.  If you're a nerd - wear that title proudly.  Don't have a passport and can't be a world wide traveler like 90% of the people profess to be?  Then don't pretend that you do.  No shame in it.  I read it as you have a job and responsibilities and can't possibly flit off to who knows where on a whim.  Don't worry if people will "like" you.  Just be you, my friend.  You be you.

Selecting the right profile pictures is everything; did you know that if you have six or more pictures there's a greater chance that people will check out your profile?  It's science.  There is data that has been collected and analyzed resulting in what I'm sure is a very accurate percentage correlating the number of pictures to the number of views and "likes".  Some unsolicited advice for you men when choosing your profile pictures.  Everyone posts gym selfies: sporting a tank top, short sleeve shirt, shirtless, sweaty, not sweaty, ear buds in, ear buds casually hung around your neck, weights mid air, in the locker room - you pick.  Just know that everyone posts those.  Everyone.  Everyone posts big fish pictures.  You catch them, I get it.  Do you really have to kiss them?  Why?  Everyone posts golf pictures, and boat pictures, and motorcycle pictures.  They do not make you stand out.  And if you're in your 40's, do you really think pictures of you wasted, bleary eyed, and drink in hand are a good choice?  If we are browsing through your pictures we are not going to think, "Huh, that 45 year old man sure looks good for his age..."  because we know that you posted a picture of yourself in your perceived prime of life, the good ol' 20's.  That's not helpful. Neither are filters; yes, men use them too - we are on to you.

Swiping hints.  Left is no, right is yes.  If you accidentally swipe the wrong way - do not panic!  An accidental left swipe does not mean you've lost your one and only true soulmate.  Trust in the gods of online dating and that fate will bring you together through the magic of "likes".  If it's meant to be, he will like you (or even better, message you!) and you will be able to communicate through that venue.  And if you accidentally swipe right, you are not committed to connecting with that person, just don't message them or respond if you don't want to.  Beware of the super like upward swipe, another easy accidental swipe possibly leading someone you're not interested in to believe you "super like" them.  Don't worry.  It will be okay.  Exercise that thumb and swipe away.

Opening lines.  There are many so categories and classifications for this aspect of online dating that it deserves bullet points:

•  Let's start with the Traditional  Conservative. "Hello," "Hi," or "Hey there."  Harmless, non-offensive, safe.  The down side?  It's not much of a conversation starter, but all in all, a friendly greeting.  
• Then there's The Interviewer.  "Hi, how are you?  How long have you been single?  How long were you married?  Do you have kids?  How old are they?  What's your parenting schedule?  What kind of relationship are you looking for?"  Or they may insert a "Do you mind if I ask..." before their barrage of questions, don't fall for it.  One wrong answer and you're done for.  
• Very similar, but a slightly different tactic, The Dealbreaker.  "Hi, love your profile.  Do you have kids, tattoos, piercings?"  Again, a yes to any of the above and you're done for.  
• Then, my favorite, The Pick-up Line.  Aaaah.  So many pick up lines, so little time.  
• You have the overused physical characteristic pick up line.  "You are so beautiful (gorgeous, pretty, cute... you get the idea)."  Ummm, thank you?  You too?  
• Then there's the upgrade to the physical characteristic line, the superlative.  "You have the most gorgeous (insert characteristic: lips, eyes, smile, hair, skin, face) I have ever seen."  Ever?  Really?  The most, in the whole world?  Wow.  It begs the question, how many women have you sent that message to?  Because if it's not just me, we can't all possibly be "the most ever", can we?   
• Then The Poet.  "Hello beautiful.  (Insert poem)"  I smell copy and paste.  
• The Lewd.  No examples here, this is a PG rated blog.  
• And my absolute favorite, The Cheesy.  "It must be illegal to be so beautiful."  Clearly it's not; I'm not in jail.  But the best one I've gotten so far, "Hi, I'm not really on this site, I'm from the future (ooooh, time traveler!). We're celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary and we're arguing whether our first date was dinner or the movies.  Can you help me figure it out?"  You have to give him some points for creativity.

The next step can be a wild card.  Some will ghost you (for the non-text lingo savvy, ghosting is when they just disappear from a conversation/relationship without a word of explanation - one minute they're there, the next they're gone.  Poof.  Ghosted.).  Whatever you do, do not text after you've been ghosted.  Save your dignity.  Never beg.  You deserve better, so much better.  Consider it a gift.  Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have the decency or respect to end it in a mature way?  A simple, "I don't think this will work out, good luck in your search." would suffice.  Others will smother you.  Too much too soon.  "I'm looking for someone who will gaze at me longingly, who will let me rub her feet and shoulders after a long day at work, someone who will complete me..."  Okay, now you're just sounding creepy and needy.  Not a big turn on.  And some will only want to text - indefinitely.  Why are you on here if meeting someone (like actually meeting someone in the flesh) isn't something you want?  No thanks, I had a pen pal in 3rd grade.  It was fun then, but not so much now.

Miscellaneous nuggets of knowledge.  If they don't have a picture, swipe left.  The internet is full of creepers - be smart.  If the employment category reads, "I work at... 'A job'"  Be skeptical.  Do you, do you really?  Same for education, "Education - 'A school'"  Hmmmmm.  Picture without at least saying something about themselves... that's a swipe left for me.  How am I supposed to know if I'm interested in you - just your looks?  Not enough for me.  Just an observation, admittedly a snobby one, but evidently "your" and "you're", "to" and "too", and "their", "there" and "they're" have all become interchangeable.  And proper spelling is opshinull.  Grammar too run-on sentences are running rampant they are alive and well insert your own punctuation.

Honestly, I get it.  It is hard to meet people these days, especially during these days of quarantine.  And online dating is a good way to see who's out there.  To be fair, they're not all bad and I've talked with some pretty cool people.  Just one final tip:  Don't do it.  ;)