brand new day

I have all these playlists made up on iTunes; Sad Days, Good Days, New Day, Summer Days, Winter Days... and then are some just named after important days; 11/11/11, 3/30/12...  They are mini-soundtracks to my life. Today didn't really fit neatly into one of my designated categories.  It was a Sad Day, and truthfully - it's the list I've been listening to all day.  But it was also a Good Day.  Yesterday was the first Good Day I've had in a long time, but it ended horribly.  I went to bed devastated and defeated and feeling hopeless.  Have you ever had one of those moments when one of your greatest fears is realized?  It was kind of like that.  So this morning I woke up still sad, (keep reading, there's Goodness to come!) but kept pressing on.  It wasn't one of those times where the fighter in me was awakened and called upon to power through a crisis.  It was just me, weary and disappointed, walking through life.  But I didn't feel ...

There was a restaurant we went to on Sunday afternoons that used to give the kids balloons as we left.  Both Henry and Grace had moments where the wind whisked those balloons out of their hands.  I can still remember it stopping them in their tracks as they looked up at the sky to watch their balloon dancing away out of their reach, and the look on their faces as they watched in wonder at this graceful dance, and then the crumpling of their faces as they realized what had been lost.  Henry especially took this lesson to heart and would walk ever so carefully out of the restaurant with a death grip on his balloon string that was wound tight around his fist, fingernails white with pressure. I feel like Henry, holding tight to my dreams that feel as elusive as balloons on a windy day.  I have been holding so tight to the strings tying me to my dreams.  I too have a death grip on them, fingernails white with pressure.  I don't want them to be whisked away by ...

I love apologizing to my son.  He is one of the most gracious souls I know.  In his own eight year old way, he is able to accept an apology in such a way that honors the humility and courage it sometimes takes to say, "I'm sorry".  I know that sounds like a lot for an eight year old, but it's so true. There is something so healing in apologizing to Henry.  I can't quite put my finger on it, but there is no fear in apologizing to him.  I'm not afraid that he will take advantage of my vulnerability.  There's no exploitation of weakness or manipulation.  He just hears me, accepts me, forgives me, and all the while communicates love.  He's not a push-over, he'll let me know if I've hurt his feelings.  But he's not trying to shame me; he's just letting me know.  And then, he just lets go.  It's over, and he's already graced me with a fresh start.  He's pretty amazing that way. The other night Henry and I butt heads over a rid...

I've had this post started for several weeks, but haven't been able to finish it (which translates to, too chicken to post it).  The other day I went to lunch with an old friend and my time with her inspired me to finish this post - thank you, friend.   From 2000 to 2010 I gained almost forty pounds and in the last two years I have slowly and steadily lost almost forty pounds.  It has been small lifestyle changes and choices that have helped me lose the weight and I'm really proud of myself.  I have a set of pictures from May 2010 and April 2012 that really show the progress I've made, but I am loathe to show anyone.  If I were to be completely transparent, I am still so embarrassed by my May 2010 picture that it overshadows my pride in how far I've come the last two years. I don't think it's just the picture, I think I haven't really come to a peace with my past.  I am still so embarrassed by who I was in that picture, not just my physical body bu...

Anniversaries are important - good or bad.  They commemorate life-changing moments and should be honored.  I'm coming up on a two year anniversary of some sort.  It has been looming on the horizon like a bad storm waiting to strike and I find my heart filled with fear and dread. But, this morning when I got out of work, I smelled the rain in the air and it was thick and heavy, and sweet.  Maybe there's nothing to fear.  Maybe those storm clouds I fear will just bring a sweet cleansing rain; I hope so. I don't know what to call it or the even the exact date, but it was almost two years ago in May 2010 that something inside me stirred.  My husband and I had been living with his addiction for twelve years, both knowingly and unknowingly on many different levels.  I don't think either of us would have labeled it as an "addiction" at the time.  We were so busy trying to manage life with three young kids and it was easier to pretend that it was ju...

If ever there was a need for a silver lining, it would be tonight.  My husband and I are getting divorced and we told the kids today.  They were so brave, braver than they had any right to be.  And they were so sad.  A deep, quiet sad that they couldn't articulate, but couldn't keep from spilling out.  Such a heavy burden for their tiny little shoulders to bear. I know that they are resilient and that they will be okay.  I am confident that this is for the better.  But that's not the silver lining tonight.  I don't think that those things are necessarily that important at this moment.  Tonight, they are devastated that their dad will not be living here with them, and they have every right to be devastated.  I won't dismiss their pain and try and placate them with things that are beyond their understanding. The silver lining for me is that they still trust me.  I could see it in their eyes as I tucked Henry and Grace into bed. ...

Someone once said that it doesn't get any easier, but it gets better.  They were talking about parenthood at the time, but I'm hoping that holds true for life in general.  I've had one of those weeks where I've really been wishing that it would just get easier. It started with my lawn.  It just keeps growing, amazingly enough.  I kept wishing I could just close my eyes and the lawn fairies would come and transform my overgrown mess into a perfectly manicured yard.  There are no lawn fairies.  I guess God spent all his chips on the tooth fairy and had nothing left over to create lawn fairies.  So I had to make my own; of course they charge $17.50 a week, but it's money well spent if it makes things a little easier. I think I've been wishing for a fairy godmother to grace me with her presence as well and just make my life easier, because being a single mom is a little bit tough sometimes.  She hasn't come to visit just yet, but when she does - b...

I know you're not supposed to have regrets, but I do.  Maybe it's just a step along the road to acceptance and serenity, but it's where I am today.  There are things I would have done differently.  There are things I wish wouldn't have happened.  I guess you could call that regret. t don't want to carry these regrets with me always, I'll find a place to lay them to rest.  But I don't want to cast them carelessly aside either.   For better or worse, they've played an important role in my life, and I have some respect for them.  They've been good teachers and good motivators to change.  They're good reminders of where I was and where I don't ever want to find myself again.  And because of my regrets, I know I won't make the same mistakes again.  As much as I respect my regrets, I don't want any more.  It's been a process to come to a place where I can sift through my regrets without feeling the sting of longing and disappointme...