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It Is What It Is

Sometimes I struggle with letting things Be.  Mystery is not intriguing to me, it's infuriating.  I like knowing the how and why.  I like to plan and organize.  I like reason and logic.  That's just how my mind works.

I've never found solace in "things happen for a reason" or "there is a plan".   Okay, what?  What is The Reason?  Why did this happen?  What is The Plan?  What am I learning here?  How am I better person for this experience?  Let's line it all up so I can do a cost/benefit analysis and see if all this suffering is worth it.  Or better yet, let's make a chronological timeline with bullet points so I can see all of my missteps and avoid them in the future.

But I've learned that imposing order on chaos and searching for answers is sometimes futile.  It's not that they are unanswerable questions, some can be easily answered - succinctly, logically, without emotion - it's just that the answers don't bring resolution, they don't bring comfort, they don't bring peace.  Each answer comes with a new set of why's and I can get lost in the digging, and the analyzing and dissecting of a problem.  It's a great distraction.  It can occupy all my time and attention and keep me from ever facing what I need to face, which is that sometimes, it just is - It Is What It Is.  And that's the part I need to see, not the why and the how or who's to blame...

There are things that are beyond my understanding, and that is more than okay.  There is a mystery to life, and I'm discovering that it is beautiful - especially in the midst of suffering.  Instead of trying to pull at each thread and figure it all out for myself, I'm learning to open myself up to life, to the process, to healing and grace.  And it is at times breathtaking to see the transformative power of life that turns anger into forgiveness, denial into acceptance, pain into healing, and suffering into strength - things I would never see if I were stuck in an endless search for reason.

And just as I can't fully understand how it is that I found myself so utterly broken two years ago, nor do I fully understand how I am standing tall two years later.  I know bits and pieces of how I got here - important pieces; friends, family, love, grace, guidance, my own inner strength.  But all of that is surrounded in this nebulous haze where providence and timing, healing and restoration intersect and are all interwoven in this inexplicable process that though I've experienced it and continue to experience it, I could never fully articulate.  I guess that's one of those mysteries of life.

So it is what it is, and God in his infinite wisdom, and Life in her beautiful mystery will take care of me, better than any twelve point plan I could come up with on my own.
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