Soaking Up the Sun

I have lived in the shadows of self-doubt all my life. I couldn't distinguish the internal messages from reality, and I had a hard time seeing myself for who I was. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself. I had a moment two years ago when I literally looked in the mirror and didn't know who I was anymore.

I still struggle with it, but I'm rewriting these truths about myself. So when those old messages of inadequacy start running through my head, I have a new song to sing. It's hard work, personal rediscovery and redefinition, but it's good work.

Sometimes it feels like standing in the middle of a storm with my eyes squeezed shut, fists balled at my side, and rain cold and steady streaming down my face. Those are the times when I feel like I'm going to be swallowed up by those old voices telling me I'm not enough, and I have to fight to find a calm within the storm and just repeat what I now know to be true about myself, almost willing the words to be true, until the winds blow over.

And then there are those times when it's really, really wonderful. Like standing in the warmth of the sun, soaking in all the goodness and light. Those are usually the times when I discover something new about myself, except that often it isn't new. It's something I've always known about myself, I've just never let myself celebrate it before.

Yesterday I got an unexpected compliment and I have been basking in the glow of it ever since. It's been a while since I've accepted a compliment without explaining it away or dismissing it, and even longer since I've really let one sink in and permeate some of those dark corners where negativity has settled in. So much more fun to let the light shine in and celebrate me rather than putting myself down, but ironically, not always easier. It's getting easier, though... I think I might start getting a tan from standing in the warmth of the sun so much - it's good, these winter legs could use a little color!

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Dear Grace

Dear Grace, Happy 12th birthday!!! I know I usually write a list of reasons telling you why I love you on your birthday, but as you approach your twelfth year I can't help but notice how independent you are becoming. Time is flying by and before I know it, you will be a young woman. So here we are... I'm trying to step back and let you stretch your wings more and you're busy going about the business of becoming the beautiful young woman I know you will be. How I wish I could freeze this moment in time and keep you my little girl forever. But time doesn't listen to the pleadings of a mother's heart and keeps marching on. So this year, I want to do something different. I want to make you a list of 12 things I hope you will always remember and keep in your heart as your journey through life continues. 1. I love you, forever and always. You are my joy and no matter what, I will always love you. 2. You are enough. Ther...

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