Strength and Courage

Sometimes being brave and strong sucks. Sometimes being brave and strong is lonely and scary and confusing. And those old dysfunctional habits can look so comforting and familiar, it almost makes my heart ache with a homesick feeling for what used to be. No matter how destructive it was - it was home to my heart.

Forging a new path can be a lot less glamourous than it sounds. And being brave and sticking to it is hard. Maybe the brave thing to do is to admit that at this moment, I feel anything but brave and to just sit with it awhile. Maybe it's more courageous to sit in the muck, in the sadness and confusion, than to just plow ahead headstrong into the unknown, never stopping to catch my breath or to let the tears fall. That can't be brave. One of the most courageous things I've ever done was to sink into the sadness and trust that I would find my way out.

So tonight I will find strength in my weakness. I will be brave and face the sadness, knowing that there is goodness on the other side, and that my tender heart will heal yet again.

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Dear Grace

Dear Grace, Happy 12th birthday!!! I know I usually write a list of reasons telling you why I love you on your birthday, but as you approach your twelfth year I can't help but notice how independent you are becoming. Time is flying by and before I know it, you will be a young woman. So here we are... I'm trying to step back and let you stretch your wings more and you're busy going about the business of becoming the beautiful young woman I know you will be. How I wish I could freeze this moment in time and keep you my little girl forever. But time doesn't listen to the pleadings of a mother's heart and keeps marching on. So this year, I want to do something different. I want to make you a list of 12 things I hope you will always remember and keep in your heart as your journey through life continues. 1. I love you, forever and always. You are my joy and no matter what, I will always love you. 2. You are enough. Ther...

Dear Kind Friend

I struggle with depression. To the point that two years ago I was hospitalized three times in the span of six months, each admission lasting 10-14 days. That was when my depression was untreated and at its worst. It was so debilitating that I had to take a year off of work just to get my feet grounded and start functioning again. Two years later, I have come so far, but I'm still learning how to live with this. At this time in my journey I have to be intentional about staying present in the moment, disciplining my thoughts, and making healthy mental and spiritual choices - each and every day. One of the hardest things about depression is trying to reach through that thick cloud of despair to find my strongest self and summon her forth. If even a tiny piece of her had a voice, this is what she would've said to you. This is how she would have asked for help. To my tribe that has endlessly stood by my side through it all, thank you for listening...

The Monster in My Basement

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What if...

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Be Amazing, Fantastically Amazing

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Grace

My little girl is so sad. Deep, from the gut, sad. She is always missing someone. In the moment, it is whoever isn't there - either Mom or Dad. But really, I think she misses the family we once were. The wholeness of the unit. The complete picture. "Can you find a picture of 'The Five of Us'?" To keep under your pillow next to your baby album full of pictures of your Dad and I beaming as we stare in wonder at the miracle of you, beautiful you? Sure, baby. Of course. I can see the memories of "us" beginning to fade and slip through her fingers. Like the image of a loved ones' face starting to fade with time... And no matter how tight you squeeze your eyes shut and ball up your fists, you just can't make your brain recall the image in focus. And all you're left with is a fuzzy blur that seems more like a feeling than a memory leaving you wondering - was it ever real? "Mom, did you ever come to the cabin with us? Have you ev...

Pandemic Thoughts from a 14 Year Old

I have wanted to write about this pandemic for some time now. But I can't find the words. They elude me and I can't put together my thoughts and feelings. From day to day, I vacillate between fear and hope and a gamut of feelings in between. My focus has been on my job as a nurse, making sure my kids are emotionally nurtured, and protecting those I love by doing what I can to make it possible for them to stay home and out of danger. I'm too scared to focus on more than that. But this morning, my daughter Grace shared this journal entry she had written for a social studies project she's working on. And once again, I found myself at a loss for words. She succinctly captured this crazy, turned upside down time with a simplicity and clarity that cut through the extraneous and hit right at the heart of it all. An authentic uncensored mix of grief, anger, frustration, compassion and hope from the heart of a 14 year old girl. I'll let h...

Bird Tattoo

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Out of the Darkess and into the Light

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Broken Hearted

Last night some ghosts from the past rose up and it felt as if my heart was breaking all over again. I was so sad. Over a year ago, I remember feeling ready to lay down some of that grief I had been carrying for so long. Grace, time, healing and love had softened the edges of that grief and I was left with a gift. Grief had turned into acceptance, forgiveness and peace. And I realized what a treasure this grief had become. So many lessons learned from that experience. As scary as it was to sink into my grief and find my way through the sadness, I knew that somehow, this grief would always be a part of me. But last night I wasn't prepared for how quickly those old hurts could resurface. The ache was so familiar and deep that for a moment I wondered if I had indeed experienced any healing over the past years. It felt as if my heart was broken into a million tiny pieces... and then I realized, my heart had broken into a million t...

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