brand new day

Yesterday was a terrible day.  It wasn't the day itself - the day was filled with the routine and order I so crave sometimes... but something happened at work the other night that set me spinning and by the end of the day I felt as if my heart had broken into a million tiny pieces all over again and I couldn't hold it all together and keep it from spilling out everywhere.  There was such a heaviness that had been building up all day and I could feel the weight of all this sadness pressing down on me.  My aunt had been watching my kids last night and after I got home we sat out on the front porch together and I cried big alligator tears into my knees and she held me close and let them fall. Everything is changing.  A friend keeps reminding me that transitions are hard, even if it's for the better. There's so much to let go of and there's so much unknown.  I think the reality of my choices for the future was weighing heavy on me and it was overwhelming to try a...

I've been doing these martial arts classes and I've never really done anything where I've had to think about my physical strength so much.  And sometimes I feel really strong, but other times I'm floundering and I don't feel strong at all.  The other day, we were asked to do 50 pushups.  What?!?  I've never done 50 consecutive pushups, I thought I was doing pretty good doing a set of 25 a day.  But, down I went to try and I got to 42 and I literally could not do another one.  Oddly enough, even though I didn't finish, I felt pretty strong.  But on a different day, I was practicing different strikes with a partner who clearly, was not impressed with my strength, and I didn't feel very strong that day.  I don't really think much changed within me from one day to the next, so maybe strength is a state of mind - I don't know. But there must be some correlation between the two because it's the perfect metaphor for my life these days.  Some day...

I went out for a walk/run the other day and I had set out on an 8 mile loop.  At mile 4 I decided I had the time to stretch it to 10 miles and went out an extra mile.  At mile 5 the sky turned black and I got caught in the middle of a thunderstorm.  I got a little freaked out by the lightning and I was only a mile from my mom's house so I decided to run to her house and have her drive me home.  By the time I got home, the rain had stopped and within a few minutes the sky was clear and the sun was out.  So I had set out to do 8, tried for 10 and ended up doing 6.  Grrrrrrr.  It was so frustrating.  As my mom was dropping me off she sensed my frustration and said, "Hey, 6 miles is 6 miles." Sometimes it's like a whisper on the wind, "Be gentle with yourself".  I am prone to having the expectation of perfection from myself, and the disappointment of always coming up short.  And while perfection is always unrealistic, it is even more so no...

As much as I'm working at learning how to dive in, I am, by nature, an observer.  I do a lot of watching and quiet observation - all part and parcel of being an introvert I guess.  Lately, I find myself taking these little steps back and looking at my life - and I like what I see. I can feel this small smile playing on my lips when I stop and soak in the little things.  It's mostly just the small moments - driving to work on a beautiful evening, watching my kids be kids, when I'm out for a walk - it's as if this little bubble of happiness rises up for no other reason than in that moment, I love my life - and I can't seem to suppress a small smile. The best part of it is, life is far from perfect these days (well, that part in itself kind of sucks...).  But I love that I'm learning how to see the joy in the every day, learning how to separate the circumstances from my life. I don't know how long it has been since I've felt that I love my life.  I li...