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Strong Enough

I've been doing these martial arts classes and I've never really done anything where I've had to think about my physical strength so much.  And sometimes I feel really strong, but other times I'm floundering and I don't feel strong at all.  The other day, we were asked to do 50 pushups.  What?!?  I've never done 50 consecutive pushups, I thought I was doing pretty good doing a set of 25 a day.  But, down I went to try and I got to 42 and I literally could not do another one.  Oddly enough, even though I didn't finish, I felt pretty strong.  But on a different day, I was practicing different strikes with a partner who clearly, was not impressed with my strength, and I didn't feel very strong that day.  I don't really think much changed within me from one day to the next, so maybe strength is a state of mind - I don't know.

But there must be some correlation between the two because it's the perfect metaphor for my life these days.  Some days I feel really strong.  I look at my life and all that I'm balancing - working full time midnights, learning how to be a single mom to 3 kids - and I feel good and strong and confident.  Even on the days when I'm doing my best to hold it all together and it doesn't quite work out as I planned, but we get by - I still feel strong.  But inevitably there are those days when I am floundering and I do not feel strong at all.  

I heard this song based on Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  I've always read that verse and focused on the "I can do all things" part of it.  This song focused more on the "through Christ who strengthens me" part, and didn't really talk about being strong as much as it talked about being at that point of breaking and recognizing that we don't have to be strong enough in those moments; God will provide the strength for those moments.  I know that place of brokenness, and I find such freedom in the promise of those words that I don't have to be strong enough in my weakness.

I think somewhere in all the chaos I've confused strength with independence.  I have this fierce sense of "I can do it, I don't need any help" that sometimes rises up in the face of adversity or challenge.  I don't know if that's born out of strength, or pride, or stubbornness, or some volatile mix of all three... but it's exhausting and frustrating.  I don't have to be strong enough all the time.  I'm not strong enough all the time.  Ironically, some of those moments of surrender end up being my strongest moments.

I am a strong woman, I know this about myself.  But I'm also human, and I have my limits.  Thank goodness for an ever present God of strength and love who is always more than strong enough.






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