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Alligator Tears

Yesterday was a terrible day.  It wasn't the day itself - the day was filled with the routine and order I so crave sometimes... but something happened at work the other night that set me spinning and by the end of the day I felt as if my heart had broken into a million tiny pieces all over again and I couldn't hold it all together and keep it from spilling out everywhere.  There was such a heaviness that had been building up all day and I could feel the weight of all this sadness pressing down on me.  My aunt had been watching my kids last night and after I got home we sat out on the front porch together and I cried big alligator tears into my knees and she held me close and let them fall.

Everything is changing.  A friend keeps reminding me that transitions are hard, even if it's for the better.
There's so much to let go of and there's so much unknown.  I think the reality of my choices for the future was weighing heavy on me and it was overwhelming to try and wrap my head and heart around it all.

That small frightened part of me rose to the surface last night and wished there was an easier way through all of this.  It met up with the wiser part of me that knows there is no easier way, but she was gentle with that fear.  It was the first time in a long time that I didn't meet that pain with a quick reflexive anger.  And even though the sadness is really painful, I'd rather feel that hurt than taste the bitterness.




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