Gratitets

You know how I know that my wounds are starting to heal? It's when gratitude starts to creep in and live along side my feelings of regret. Kind of like "gratitets", a good mixture of gratitude and regrets. Let's be honest, I've made some pretty sketchy choices in the last few years, and I've allowed some horrible things to happen. And before you chime in with a reflexive, "but you didn't know" or "but you did the best you could", let me stop you. Because I did make some bad choices. Truth. And it's okay. And I have regrets, but if it makes it more comfortable to digest, let's agree to call them lessons - or "gratitets"

I've looked at those choices and regretted so many of them. Full on ""I wish I could take it all back" and "I wish I had never". But, then the sun comes out and I can start to see them in a new light. Do I still have regrets? Absolutely. One hundred and ten percent. There are things that if I had a second chance or a do-over, I would never, ever make the same choice. I would choose a different path and see where that one would have lead me. I'm not at the point where I can say - if I had to do it all over again I wouldn't change a thing because it's brought me to where I am today. No, I wouldn't go through all that pain again. Ever. But, in light of the inability to go back in time and change the past, I can start to have an appreciation for the lessons learned along this journey. I can see that some of the ways I've been changed because of these experiences are okay. Even good. Can you see that gratitude creeping in? Because I can, more importantly, I can feel it. Gratitets.

I am a make lemonade out of lemons kind of girl. But not in a way that I have an endless supply of sugar on hand and refuse to let the sourness of lemons exist. I get it, I really do. Lemons are sour. Bad things happen and sometimes they just suck. And to try and flip everything on its head and find something good in it can sometimes just be an unhealthy form of denial and running away from a truth that needs to be face. Gratitude is not as simple as making lemonade out of lemons. It's not as simplistic as finding silver linings on gray clouds. That only scratches the surface and cheapens gratitude.

My gratitude is more human and a little grittier than that. It's still mixed with regrets. I think I'll always live with them. I know that flies in the face of what we're taught - don't live with regrets - but I think it's okay as long as they serve a purpose. Those regrets are serving me as wise teachers. They're teaching me to better protect my heart, to stand up for myself and not comprise or settle for anything less than I deserve. And I'm grateful for that. I still wish I could have learned those lessons a different way. I wish the lessons didn't have to be so painful. I wish I hadn't gotten so hurt and broken. But I am grateful for the lessons and I'm finding peace.

That's my gratitude right now. That's the most I can muster at this time. Grateful for the lessons, but not the journey. And maybe the two are inseparable, I have no idea. All I know is that this soft, tender infusion of gratitude into my wounds is quietly and gently transforming the hurts into healing... and for those gratitets, I am grateful.

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