To Forgive or Not Forgive, That is the Question

Ellamae learned how to ride her bike this week. It was the coolest thing ever. Her older sister, Grace, actually taught her and when Ellamae saw me, she couldn't wait to show me in person how she could ride her bike all by herself. We were all so proud of her, but no one was more proud of her than her own self. And Ellamae loves a good surprise. So I should have realized that she would want to surprise her dad by showing him in person like she did me. But I didn't and I sent him the video her sister took of her first ride. I told Ellamae that I was really, really sorry that I had ruined her surprise. She just laughed and told me it was okay because she can never stay mad at me. What a beautiful heart.

Wouldn't it be great if forgiveness always came so easily and was given so freely? The other day, something happened that made me ask myself if I've forgiven my ex-husband. Truthfully, I don't know. Because for me, forgiveness is a matter of the heart, not the head. I can't just flip a switch and decide to forgive someone. I just can't. Maybe that isn't how forgiveness works for others, or how we're taught it's supposed to be. We should forgive, right? We have received the gift of grace and we forgive others because who among us isn't in need of forgiveness? I actually believe that. But forgiveness is a journey. And it's a journey my heart takes and I can't think my way through that one.

I got triggered the other day and all the hard work of the past two and a half years disappeared in an instant. I found myself transported to that awful place where doubt and insecurity reign supreme. I was scared and mistrusting. The pain hurt just as much as it did in the past. I was confused and caught in a space where I couldn't separate the past from the present. It was just for a moment, and my fear was met with patience and understanding that was rooted in love and acceptance. It helped me find my way back.

But I was filled with a hate for everything he did to hurt me and that it still has the power to haunt me. There are times that I get so mad remembering the pieces of my soul that were ripped from me and the holes that were left in my heart. Raging mad. I-hate-you mad and I-don't-even-have-the-desire-to-forgive mad. In those moments I would emphatically declare without hesitation that no, I have unequivocally not forgiven him.

Forgiveness is messy business. I know that forgiveness sets you free. Holding onto anger is like holding onto a corrosive poison. Because when that anger resurfaces it always comes with it's unwanted companion, pain. But that's where I find myself these days; somewhere along the fluid spectrum of an inability to forgive and the freedom of forgiveness.

And I'm okay with that.

To forgive or not forgive, that is not the question. It's not an intellectual decision dictated by what I think I should do. I think "shoulds" do not apply to forgiveness because there's an obligatory component to "should". If that's the case, how can forgiveness be freely given?

I know myself well enough to know that I will forgive. I've been on this journey before. I know that just as love brought me back from the past, grace will lead me to forgiveness. But if you're like me and struggling to forgive, I think that's okay. We're just on another leg of the journey. Don't force it, just let it come. Let your heart find the way and trust in it's timing. In the meantime, find rest in the arms of grace. Don't let the weight of an expectation of yourself to forgive steal the peace that you've found. Because I think that when our hearts are strong enough, when love and grace have mended the holes, there won't be room for that anger and we'll find that we can let it go.

Join me in that hope and let's walk this leg of the journey together.

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