Sit With Me

I’m going through a depressive episode.  It’s okay, it’s just part of living with bipolar disorder.  But I haven’t wanted to tell anyone about it. I’ve tried to “handle it”.  I’ve been standing in the rain trying to force the sun to come out.  

The other night all the heaviness came spilling out over something really small and inconsequential, as it always does when I try to push the unpleasant out of the way.  It begs to be released from its prison of denial.  I finally told my loved one that I am depressed and have been fighting it for about six weeks now.  

I told him that I’ve been embarrassed because being depressed makes me feel weak and unstable.  I so badly want to be in control of depression.  I wish I could throw all my coping skills at it and the depression would just go away. 

I was afraid that if he saw me depressed he would not want to stay with me.  We’ve talked about my bipolar disorder, and I’ve been open and transparent about my past.  He’s never judged, only loved.  But I’ve not had a manic or depressive cycle while we’ve been together and I was afraid that after experiencing it, he might find me unlovable.

I was scared he wouldn’t understand.  I don’t “look” depressed like so many of us don’t. I was afraid he would dismiss it and just tell me it would pass, or to just think happy thoughts, or some other well-intentioned yet demeaning placation.  

But he didn’t.  He listened without judgement or pity.  He didn’t try and fix it, but rather listened to understand.  He met my fears and vulnerability with a warm embrace.  He let the tears fall.  And he spoke the most powerful words, “I’ll stand by you”.  My heart heard what it needs to hear when I’m depressed, you’re not alone.  He reminded me that love doesn’t leave when times get hard.  You don’t have to hide and suffer through this alone.  If you can let it in, love is stronger than depression.  He’s not forcing the sun to come out.  He’s sitting with me in the rain.  

How lucky and blessed I am to have family and loved ones in my life that offer me grace, love and understanding when I need it most.  Loved ones who remind me that even through loneliness, I am not alone.  

If you’ve wiped away tears of a depressed loved one and said to them, “I’ll stand by you,” thank you.  If you’ve met vulnerability and pain with understanding and grace, thank you.  If you refuse to give up on us, thank you.  

If you’ve sat with us in the rain, thank you.