They're Just Numbers

Since I was 16 I have been a 00, 0, 2, 4, 6, pregnant, 10, 8, 6, pregnant, 10, 8, pregnant, 8, 6, 4, 2, pregnant, 6, 8, 10, 12, 10, 8, 6, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, 10, 8.

Those are my sizes throughout my life; my numbers.

Those were my ever-present source of shame.

Those were the numbers that took up space in my thoughts every. single. day.

Those were the numbers that dictated how I felt about myself; the numbers that were a measure of my self-worth.

Those were the numbers that had at times kept reconnecting with old friends and meeting new friends because I feared their judgment.

Those were the numbers that even though I love who I am on the inside, kept me from loving myself wholly.

Those were the numbers that have kept me out of the pool on hot summer days.

Those were the numbers that made me so quick to volunteer to be the photographer so I wouldn't have to be in the picture.

Those were the numbers that made me feel fat when I looked in the mirror - all of those numbers.

Those were the numbers that had me constantly comparing myself to every woman I saw, envying their lives convinced that their magic numbers were the key to their happiness.

Sad, isn't it? For just a moment, resist the urge to tell me I'm beautiful on the inside and that's what matters most, or that those numbers are meaningless. Instead, stop and ask yourself, can you relate to any of those statements? Some? Many? Most? All? Do you have your own thoughts you can add to that list?

We are fighting generations of toxic beliefs regarding our standards of beauty. And make no mistake, it is nothing short of toxic. Poison. Cancer. Even if we think we are immune to it, those toxic ideals still exist in the world. They invade our subconscious and at the very least influence our definition of beauty, and at the very worst form it.

I wore a form fitting dress to my senior prom. For most of the night I pretended I was cold so my date would let me wear his suit coat because I wanted to hide my body because I was afraid I looked fat. I wore a size 00 and weighed 95 pounds.

I was a coxswain my freshman year of college on the crew team. I was always reminded to keep my weight down. I weighed 100 pounds at that time.

When I went to my second wedding dress fitting, I got scolded by the seamstress because she had to let out the seams on both sides about a quarter of an inch. My dress was a size 2. I got shamed for being half an inch bigger than a size 2.

I was in a relationship and I was told that I was too fat to be desirable. I was told that when I took off my shirt at the end of the day, the sight of my body turned him off and the last thing he wanted to do was be intimate with me. And I believed every word he said. I weighed 163 pounds. Bet you didn't see that number coming...

So let's talk more numbers. My blood pressure averages 100/70. My resting heart rate is around 66. My triglycerides, and cholesterol levels are all within normal limits. The last time I had my A1C drawn it was 5.4. I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I don't have any underlying medical conditions. So what exactly is it that is unhealthy about me? Science says it's my BMI of 27. Even my BMI calculator app tells me, "Time for a run!". But the numbers aren't unhealthy. No, the most unhealthy thing about me are my thoughts and the power I give to those numbers to shape my opinion about myself.

With science, society, and media as our guides, we equate beauty with skinny. We make thinly veiled - or sometimes outright - body shaming comments. "Are you sure you want another serving?"; "A moment on the lips, forever on the hips."; "That outfit is so cute - it makes you look skinny!"; "You look so good since you've lost weight!". But when you strip away all the nuances and semantics, the heart of the message is: thin, good; fat, bad. Thin, beautiful; fat, ugly.

It's time to flip the script and screw the numbers. Let's stop giving these numbers so much credence and importance. Let's stop hiding behind our numbers and stop judging others because of their numbers. Instead let's focus on being our healthiest selves, not our skinniest selves. Let's tune out the body shaming comments and fill ourselves with acceptance and self-love. Let's affirm the beauty we see in one another no matter what our numbers are. They are just numbers and numbers don't measure worth and they don't measure beauty. So, my beautiful friend, go on with your beautiful self and leave the numbers for the math books.

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