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Different

Something is different.  For the past few weeks, I have had this feeling that something is different, but haven't been able to name it.  Is it the changing of the seasons?  Is it the coming of the end of the school year?  Have we finally found our rhythm in life?  It certainly isn't all the chaos and craziness swirling around us - that's still very much the same and has even picked up a little in the past few months.

The other day, I was looking out my window and storm clouds were gathering overhead, gray and ominous.  I was watching those clouds roll in with a determination and inevitability, promising the impending storm.  It was the perfect picture of what life feels like sometimes; there is a storm brewing and there is no running from it.  It will come.  God help me.

At the time, that was my prayer - God help me.  I felt small, defeated and weary.  I was down on my knees and earnestly praying, God help me, because I was spent.  There was nothing left to give, and if I was going to have the strength to weather the storm, it was going to have to come from somewhere other than within me.

And when I got up off my knees, there it was again - that feeling that something is different.  And slowly, like the gentle unfurling of a budding flower, I realized - it's me.  I'm different.

I think I've had enough of being wounded and knocked down by the storms of life.  I don't want to cower when the storm clouds start gathering.  I have been strong through this storm, but sometimes I've been down on my knees and the strength has been in just holding my head up and refusing to get knocked all the way down.  And sometimes the strength has been fueled by a white hot anger and defiance, strong out of pure spite even though I'm trembling with fear.

But not today.  I've spent the better part of the last two years facing my demons and fears.  Today I feel a new strength centered in peace and fueled by a confidence that has been gained by figuring out who I am and what I'm capable of these past two years.  It's a subtle postural change.  It's still head up, shoulders back, and the determination is still there - but it's different.  Some of the angst and ferocity has been washed away.

It's as if I'm not fighting with life anymore.  Life and I have found a way to walk together, side by side.  Her challenges are lessons, and she is ever the wise and gentle teacher. I'm not standing tall, fists at the ready, daring life to throw another challenge at me; all the while protecting a simmering sadness and fear that always lies just beneath that defensive strength.  I'm just standing tall, feeling prepared and capable of facing what Life has to offer - the good, the bad and the crazy  (a line I stole from my brother!).

I like this change.  I like this different... I like this me.











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