Hindsight

I read an article that stated, “Love at first sight can only be seen in hindsight.” We often hear couples’ stories of meeting and they look at each other with silly grins on their faces and say, “It was love at first sight.” Hindsight. Months or years later, after the foundation has been laid, they look back on that day and they can see the moment of the beginning. It happened at the very first glance, but they needed a little distance to see it.

I was telling a new friend about my past. I was feeling vulnerable sharing those moments of brokenness. Whenever I would recall that time of my life all I would see is weakness, an inability to find the courage to escape a horrible situation. I remember so desperately trying to reach for a strength and fortitude that I knew had existed in my soul at one point; more than existed - it had been a raging fire. But in that darkness I couldn’t even see a spark of that strength and I mourned its absence. And even now, years later after having risen, I still felt shame at what I felt was cowardice and weakness. But as he listened to my darkest moments he saw resilience and tenacity. I looked back and tried to see what he saw.

And this is what hindsight revealed to me. It was at my weakest that I was my strongest. It was a quiet strength so quiet I couldn’t hear it, but it was there. I saw the strength that it took to keep going one day at a time and forge forward without hope, direction or purpose. In those moments when I was broken, I kept going. Even though all I wanted to do was escape, I didn’t. I thought the inability to find the courage to end it all was cowardice, but it wasn’t. It was courage to keep on living in spite of the darkness, and that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and the strongest I have ever had to be.

So if you’re struggling to see any hope and feel that you are breaking from the weight of your burdens; know this - don't confuse your tired worn out soul for weakness. You are not weak. You are surviving and you are so strong. Facing each new day in a world without hope takes an inner strength of immeasurable fortitude. When you are in the middle of a storm, winds blowing fierce, climbing an uphill path and you find yourself on your knees, tears streaming down your face, head hung in defeat; if all you can do is exist in that moment in a broken and battered state; that my friend, is the very definition of strength. Weathering the storm takes strength. Fierce, admirable, inner strength.

Maybe you can’t see it because all you see is the darkness and all you feel is the struggle. We see you. And we see your strength even at your weakest point. And one day, when each step you have taken has led you to the light, you will be able to look back and see it too.

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Dear Grace

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